So I'm sitting at home at 12:30 and I'm not freaking out over something that needs to be turned in tomorrow night. It's a relief, but it's only temporary. I was actually able to meet up with my sister, nephews, and cousin last Thursday at Disneyland, maybe not my best idea since I had a TON of school work to do, but necessary. I am definitely feeling the toll of living so far away from my family members. I even miss Caesar's family. I can't decide who I'm more excited to see when we're able to go home for winter break. I guess that shouldn't be too weird since his sister and I call each other seester and his mom calls me her daughter in law already. Kind of weird, but I love it and am thankful that I get along so well with his family. Today in Jazz History, my professor showed a video of Esperanza Spalding and something she said reminded me of Caesar's grandma. I haven't seen her in almost 4 months and it was nice having a little reminder of her. I was the only one who giggled in class, but it's always nice to have a little reminder of home, especially when I feel like I'm in a catch 22 sometimes.
I hate thinking about what I'm going to do after graduation because I have no idea. All of my friends are in Southern California but my whole family is in Northern California. It really sucks and I kind of regret going to school so far away. Regret isn't necessarily the best word to use, I love the experiences I've had down here and love all of my friends I have met down here. It still sucks. lol. It causing making a decision about where to live even harder because I have things and people I care about a lot in both places. I wish the two could merge more smoothly...or at all. Plus, I'm not just planning for myself, I'm planning with another person in mind as well. Anyhoo. Back to Disneyland and what made me even come on here to write a blog in the first place...
I was really excited to find out my sister was in town because I haven't seen too many family members since summer and I haven't seen anyone in her family since the end of July. I called her when I was getting close to the entrance and when I got there, she and my nephew were standing by the fence and he had his hand through the fence waving at me. It was so cute! He was like, "Let's go!" and my sister had to tell him I needed to go through the entrance first. He came up to me and gave me a huge hug and held my hand as we walked back to Main Street. The three of us ended up watching the Christmas parade while everyone else was off riding rides (including Hunter who went on his first roller coasters this trip!) I haven't watched the Christmas parade, which hasn't changed, since my mom was alive. I can remember her bringing a blanket specifically for the purpose of sitting on while she waited for the parade to start. Disneyland and Christmas mixed, anyone who knows her would understand the joy she got from that, two of her FAVORITE things. Caesar and I have been to the park during Christmas since she passed and I never sat and watched the parade because all it did was make me sad and think of her. Honestly, I was fighting back tears throughout the parade and my nephew is the only reason I didn't. He had never seen it before and each float was like a new surprise. He kept waving at the performers, even when they weren't looking, and would get frustrated because they weren't looking at him. It was so adorable and he kept scooting closer to me. Trying to help him get the performer's attention helped distract me from my own personal feelings.
Unfortunately, we then went to see World of Color. I was kind of dreading seeing that in the first place because I know my mom would have loved to see it and being there just reminded me that she'll never get the chance. I hate moments of revelation like that. Obviously she's never going to be able to do anything here again but there are just some moments where it really hits me and I get this incredible emptiness throughout my body, mainly me stomach and chest. Emptiness doesn't even describe it appropriately...I can't explain it. Sometimes when I have really exciting news or am really upset and need to talk to someone, I reach for my phone to call her, only to realize how stupid that is. I HATE that and it happens ALL the time. It really sucks. =/ She was the person I talked to about anything and everything, she didn't judge me, she just listened and was there for me. She was the most amazing person I knew so seeing something I KNOW she would have loved really hurt. Somehow Caesar texted me at the exact moment I started to cry during the show (yes, I cried because of that dumb show) and asked how Disneyland was. I told him what I was watching and that it made me miss my mom and he said the most perfect response; "She's probably watching with you right now. Actually, she probably watches every night." Which, if there is a Heaven, she definitely watches every night. It's things like that comment that make me thankful every day I have someone in my life who can actually make that horrible pain go away, if only for a moment. Without him I'm not sure where I'd be, he really helped me through that whole experience and still helps me through things like that.
Another thing that has really been bothering me lately is that I have so many friends who are getting engaged, married, having kids...I'm happy for them, don't get me wrong. It just reminds me of the fact that I don't get to share any of that with my mom. She wont be there to watch me finally get my degree and walk across that stage while evvverrrryyyonnneee else in my family will be in the audience. She wont be able to help me plan a wedding. She wont be at my wedding, which I guarantee will make me cry and the only person who could possibly make that feeling worth it is the person at the end of that aisle; he's the only person that ever makes that pain go away even for a second. My mom wont be around when we announce we're expecting. She can't help plan the baby shower. She wont be there when I give birth. She'll never meet her grand babies...it just makes me feel like I got jipped. Sure, I got 18 years with her and that does seem like a long time...but when you think about how long life can be...that's nothing. Four years have gone by and this feeling is still here. It sucks. But even after really bad nights like this, I'm thankful because I have someone in my life who says/does the perfect thing to make me feel better. I can't express how thankful I am for that.
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