So the last couple weeks have literally been the most hectic end of semester weeks of any semester thus far ever. Once I turned my thesis proposal, research papers, took two finals last week, and found out I was exempt from another (probably my most difficult final) I for sure checked out of school. Actually, I checked out before my papers were even finished. haha. I did get one back that was definitely NOT my best work that took me forever to finally sit down and write and somehow my professor gave me 100%. Not sure how that works but it's making me want to study even less for my LAST final of my PENULTIMATE semester of college!!! Another reason I've probably checked out.
Anyhoo, so tomorrow I have my jazz history final and I can't focus on studying AT ALL. No desire whatsoever. I've been joking around with my roommates, went to get donuts, watched some TV online, chatted on Facebook, you know, the usual procrastination techniques. Lucky for me, I like jazz, my boyfriend is a jazz major, he pretty much only listens to jazz so that's what we listen to in the car the majority of the time, and most of the concerts we go to are jazz based. I looked at my listening and I knew 7/10 tunes for the exam! Yayyy. I probably shouldn't waste time "studying" tunes I already know but sitting at my dining room table, dancing in my chair to Diana Krall, Miles, Train, Bird, and Weather Report seems like a MUCH better time than filling out the book study guide.
Speaking of Diana Krall, the tune we have to know of hers is "As Long As I Live" and I really like the lyrics and Caesar and I always tell each other that one lifetime just isn't long enough soooo yeah. Here are the lyrics that will help me be one semester closer to being DONE with the Bob Cole "Conservatory" of Music at CSULB. =) Done, done, done, done, done! Friday is Disneyland with the love of my life to celebrate the end of the semester for both of us. This weekend we shall play Donkey Kong! Next week we will be HOME!!! Then Christmas!! Skiing in Tahoe and gambling in Reno!!! New Years Eve and my midnight kiss <3 Monterey to visit the best seester ever!! Visiting with my family and Caesar's family!! Then back to the LBC and chillin with the coolest friends ever!! Exciting things are happening over break and I'm so glad I get to experience all of it with my best friend. <3
Baby I can't live to love you
As long as I want to
Life isn't long enough baby
But I can love you as long as I live
Baby I can't buy diamonds and things
Like I want to
But I can promise you baby
I'm going to want you as long as I live
Well I never cared but now I'm scared
That I won't live long enough
That's why I wear my rubbers when it rains
And eat an apple everyday and see the doctor anyway
What if I can't live to love you
As long as I want to
Life isn't long enough baby
But I can love you as long as I live
Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom...
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Simple Thoughts...Or Not So Simple...
So I'm sitting at home at 12:30 and I'm not freaking out over something that needs to be turned in tomorrow night. It's a relief, but it's only temporary. I was actually able to meet up with my sister, nephews, and cousin last Thursday at Disneyland, maybe not my best idea since I had a TON of school work to do, but necessary. I am definitely feeling the toll of living so far away from my family members. I even miss Caesar's family. I can't decide who I'm more excited to see when we're able to go home for winter break. I guess that shouldn't be too weird since his sister and I call each other seester and his mom calls me her daughter in law already. Kind of weird, but I love it and am thankful that I get along so well with his family. Today in Jazz History, my professor showed a video of Esperanza Spalding and something she said reminded me of Caesar's grandma. I haven't seen her in almost 4 months and it was nice having a little reminder of her. I was the only one who giggled in class, but it's always nice to have a little reminder of home, especially when I feel like I'm in a catch 22 sometimes.
I hate thinking about what I'm going to do after graduation because I have no idea. All of my friends are in Southern California but my whole family is in Northern California. It really sucks and I kind of regret going to school so far away. Regret isn't necessarily the best word to use, I love the experiences I've had down here and love all of my friends I have met down here. It still sucks. lol. It causing making a decision about where to live even harder because I have things and people I care about a lot in both places. I wish the two could merge more smoothly...or at all. Plus, I'm not just planning for myself, I'm planning with another person in mind as well. Anyhoo. Back to Disneyland and what made me even come on here to write a blog in the first place...
I was really excited to find out my sister was in town because I haven't seen too many family members since summer and I haven't seen anyone in her family since the end of July. I called her when I was getting close to the entrance and when I got there, she and my nephew were standing by the fence and he had his hand through the fence waving at me. It was so cute! He was like, "Let's go!" and my sister had to tell him I needed to go through the entrance first. He came up to me and gave me a huge hug and held my hand as we walked back to Main Street. The three of us ended up watching the Christmas parade while everyone else was off riding rides (including Hunter who went on his first roller coasters this trip!) I haven't watched the Christmas parade, which hasn't changed, since my mom was alive. I can remember her bringing a blanket specifically for the purpose of sitting on while she waited for the parade to start. Disneyland and Christmas mixed, anyone who knows her would understand the joy she got from that, two of her FAVORITE things. Caesar and I have been to the park during Christmas since she passed and I never sat and watched the parade because all it did was make me sad and think of her. Honestly, I was fighting back tears throughout the parade and my nephew is the only reason I didn't. He had never seen it before and each float was like a new surprise. He kept waving at the performers, even when they weren't looking, and would get frustrated because they weren't looking at him. It was so adorable and he kept scooting closer to me. Trying to help him get the performer's attention helped distract me from my own personal feelings.
Unfortunately, we then went to see World of Color. I was kind of dreading seeing that in the first place because I know my mom would have loved to see it and being there just reminded me that she'll never get the chance. I hate moments of revelation like that. Obviously she's never going to be able to do anything here again but there are just some moments where it really hits me and I get this incredible emptiness throughout my body, mainly me stomach and chest. Emptiness doesn't even describe it appropriately...I can't explain it. Sometimes when I have really exciting news or am really upset and need to talk to someone, I reach for my phone to call her, only to realize how stupid that is. I HATE that and it happens ALL the time. It really sucks. =/ She was the person I talked to about anything and everything, she didn't judge me, she just listened and was there for me. She was the most amazing person I knew so seeing something I KNOW she would have loved really hurt. Somehow Caesar texted me at the exact moment I started to cry during the show (yes, I cried because of that dumb show) and asked how Disneyland was. I told him what I was watching and that it made me miss my mom and he said the most perfect response; "She's probably watching with you right now. Actually, she probably watches every night." Which, if there is a Heaven, she definitely watches every night. It's things like that comment that make me thankful every day I have someone in my life who can actually make that horrible pain go away, if only for a moment. Without him I'm not sure where I'd be, he really helped me through that whole experience and still helps me through things like that.
Another thing that has really been bothering me lately is that I have so many friends who are getting engaged, married, having kids...I'm happy for them, don't get me wrong. It just reminds me of the fact that I don't get to share any of that with my mom. She wont be there to watch me finally get my degree and walk across that stage while evvverrrryyyonnneee else in my family will be in the audience. She wont be able to help me plan a wedding. She wont be at my wedding, which I guarantee will make me cry and the only person who could possibly make that feeling worth it is the person at the end of that aisle; he's the only person that ever makes that pain go away even for a second. My mom wont be around when we announce we're expecting. She can't help plan the baby shower. She wont be there when I give birth. She'll never meet her grand babies...it just makes me feel like I got jipped. Sure, I got 18 years with her and that does seem like a long time...but when you think about how long life can be...that's nothing. Four years have gone by and this feeling is still here. It sucks. But even after really bad nights like this, I'm thankful because I have someone in my life who says/does the perfect thing to make me feel better. I can't express how thankful I am for that.
I hate thinking about what I'm going to do after graduation because I have no idea. All of my friends are in Southern California but my whole family is in Northern California. It really sucks and I kind of regret going to school so far away. Regret isn't necessarily the best word to use, I love the experiences I've had down here and love all of my friends I have met down here. It still sucks. lol. It causing making a decision about where to live even harder because I have things and people I care about a lot in both places. I wish the two could merge more smoothly...or at all. Plus, I'm not just planning for myself, I'm planning with another person in mind as well. Anyhoo. Back to Disneyland and what made me even come on here to write a blog in the first place...
I was really excited to find out my sister was in town because I haven't seen too many family members since summer and I haven't seen anyone in her family since the end of July. I called her when I was getting close to the entrance and when I got there, she and my nephew were standing by the fence and he had his hand through the fence waving at me. It was so cute! He was like, "Let's go!" and my sister had to tell him I needed to go through the entrance first. He came up to me and gave me a huge hug and held my hand as we walked back to Main Street. The three of us ended up watching the Christmas parade while everyone else was off riding rides (including Hunter who went on his first roller coasters this trip!) I haven't watched the Christmas parade, which hasn't changed, since my mom was alive. I can remember her bringing a blanket specifically for the purpose of sitting on while she waited for the parade to start. Disneyland and Christmas mixed, anyone who knows her would understand the joy she got from that, two of her FAVORITE things. Caesar and I have been to the park during Christmas since she passed and I never sat and watched the parade because all it did was make me sad and think of her. Honestly, I was fighting back tears throughout the parade and my nephew is the only reason I didn't. He had never seen it before and each float was like a new surprise. He kept waving at the performers, even when they weren't looking, and would get frustrated because they weren't looking at him. It was so adorable and he kept scooting closer to me. Trying to help him get the performer's attention helped distract me from my own personal feelings.
Unfortunately, we then went to see World of Color. I was kind of dreading seeing that in the first place because I know my mom would have loved to see it and being there just reminded me that she'll never get the chance. I hate moments of revelation like that. Obviously she's never going to be able to do anything here again but there are just some moments where it really hits me and I get this incredible emptiness throughout my body, mainly me stomach and chest. Emptiness doesn't even describe it appropriately...I can't explain it. Sometimes when I have really exciting news or am really upset and need to talk to someone, I reach for my phone to call her, only to realize how stupid that is. I HATE that and it happens ALL the time. It really sucks. =/ She was the person I talked to about anything and everything, she didn't judge me, she just listened and was there for me. She was the most amazing person I knew so seeing something I KNOW she would have loved really hurt. Somehow Caesar texted me at the exact moment I started to cry during the show (yes, I cried because of that dumb show) and asked how Disneyland was. I told him what I was watching and that it made me miss my mom and he said the most perfect response; "She's probably watching with you right now. Actually, she probably watches every night." Which, if there is a Heaven, she definitely watches every night. It's things like that comment that make me thankful every day I have someone in my life who can actually make that horrible pain go away, if only for a moment. Without him I'm not sure where I'd be, he really helped me through that whole experience and still helps me through things like that.
Another thing that has really been bothering me lately is that I have so many friends who are getting engaged, married, having kids...I'm happy for them, don't get me wrong. It just reminds me of the fact that I don't get to share any of that with my mom. She wont be there to watch me finally get my degree and walk across that stage while evvverrrryyyonnneee else in my family will be in the audience. She wont be able to help me plan a wedding. She wont be at my wedding, which I guarantee will make me cry and the only person who could possibly make that feeling worth it is the person at the end of that aisle; he's the only person that ever makes that pain go away even for a second. My mom wont be around when we announce we're expecting. She can't help plan the baby shower. She wont be there when I give birth. She'll never meet her grand babies...it just makes me feel like I got jipped. Sure, I got 18 years with her and that does seem like a long time...but when you think about how long life can be...that's nothing. Four years have gone by and this feeling is still here. It sucks. But even after really bad nights like this, I'm thankful because I have someone in my life who says/does the perfect thing to make me feel better. I can't express how thankful I am for that.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Problem Solving...
One of my friends was being taken advantage of and I didn't say anything for the longest time. Now, if you know me, you know it is unlike me to keep my mouth shut. lol. When someone starts taking over your apartment and is there more than you and doesn't seem to think they need to help with rent and utilities, that's a problem. Now why did that upset me? It shouldn't. It has nothing to do with me, it's not my apartment that's being invaded by someone who somehow doesn't realize how selfish they are (or they just don't care.) I hated seeing my friend get upset every time he went home because he couldn't just be in his apartment. That's an issue. When my friends have issues with their significant others, I usually sit there and listen. Most of the time they're minor issues that are easy to fix. Other times, they're issues that keep repeating over and over and over and over like a broken record. Why put yourself through that? I wouldn't say I'm a believer in "once a cheater, always a cheater" but I do believe that if there was even a suspicion of cheating, that person better go out of their way to gain that trust back, not continue to do stupid things and hurt the person they "love" over and over for years. Again, that shouldn't bother me. It's not my boyfriend.
So I've decided I'm going to try to be less involved in my friends' issues because it only adds stress to my life when there's no reason for their to be stress. I have no problem listening to whatever troubles they may have but I need to learn to care less. It can't be healthy to get legitimately upset over things that have zero effect on my life. I love my friends and will do anything for them, but it's really hard for me to sit around and watch them struggle and be hurt. I guess at some point you have to just let it go and let them go through the pain and suffering until they figure it out and finally stick up for themselves.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Post Thanksgiving Thoughts
My family:
Is very close to each other and we've been through a lot together, all of which has made us stronger and closer. We're crazy, but who doesn't have a few nuts running around during the holidays? We've always had food on the table, leftovers for days, and presents under the tree. So many people can't say that simple sentence. Not only have I been fortunate to always have a place to call home, but I've always had people to pick me up when I fall.
My parents:
I had the strongest mother a person could ask for; I have never seen anyone fight to survive like she did all while trying to convince everyone else things would be ok. She was always there for me and I could tell her anything, literally. She didn't judge, she was just there to support me. She went to every single dance recital, choral performance, band review, chaperoned school trips, she never missed anything. She always went above and beyond what any normal parent would. She also took way too many pictures, something I have definitely inherited, poor Caesar. My dad is also one of my best friends and I realized how lucky my brother and I were. We've been going on trips around the country and state since we were little, Disneyland being a main destination point. Today while Caesar and I were on Space Mountain, the woman behind me made me realize how few people have that same experience. As soon as we left the tunnel that takes you up to the top of the roller coaster and she saw all of the "stars" she gasped and said "wooooow" just like a little kid would. This is a grown woman and here I am with my eyes closed because the tunnel makes me dizzy. lol. I can't thank my parents enough for what they have given me so far in life.
My boyfriend:
I have so many reasons to be thankful for how lucky I am to be dating the person I know I am going to marry and how lucky we were to meet so young in life. We weren't able to go home and be with our families today but we got to be with each other and that is more than I could have asked for. I love the way we still play like we're little kids and play little jokes on each other while we wait in line or sit down at dinner. I love the way we find ways to compete all of the time but still keep it playful. I love that we can play pinball, air hockey, foosball, and that video game from the 70s and be perfectly content. I love the way he takes care of me when I'm sick and can make me smile and/or laugh even when it's the last thing I want to do. I love the way he knows me so well and knows when I'm going to do something clumsy. I love that he makes me want to be positive and a better person. I love that he wants to be there for me. I love that his family and I get along so well. I love the way he squeezes my hand and pulls me closer to him if someone is coming toward us and he thinks they might bump me. I love the way he protects me. I love that he never even raises his voice at me even in a heated argument. I love the kisses he gives me on the forehead or top of my head. I love the way he brushes my hair out of my face and tucks it behind my ear, but mostly, I love the way he just looks at me with this little smile on his face. It's like nothing else matters and I am completely content with the world. I am so thankful our lives are going in the same direction and we have grown closer together instead of further apart.
My friends:
I have THE best friends. They're an amazing support group and are always there for me no matter the reason.
Life is funny the way it works, I'm just thankful my life has worked out this well at such a young age.
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